Here’s a trick I learned from my friend Gretchen. Get someone in the family with artistic talent to build you a fake cake out of Styrofoam and frosting. Wheel the cake out of the wedding hall, then have the waiters march back in with plates of Sara Lee sheet cake. Savings: more than $500.00. I dare someone to tell the difference.
BUT: DO GO CAKE TASTING. THEY GIVE YOU FREE CAKE!
Just came back from cake tasting. So full. Will finish post later. Must take nap.
Locations, Locations, Locations
Here’s a way to show everyone you’re a real loser: Have a backyard wedding. Remember, the backyard is reserved for poor people, swing sets, second marriages and dog sh*t. Get creative. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, but you’ll get more bang for your buck if you do!
Nick’s parents want us to be married at their country club. Which is going to make it difficult for the band, as we penciled in the one with the black lead singer. I wonder if the Journey cover band is still available.
Holla, girls! Listen up! Your bridesmaids can make ya or break ya. Here’s where it’s at. I’m not gonna sugar coat this: Make sure your Maid of Honor is either the least attractive or the most heavy-set. She is the one who will be standing closest to you.
I really want my friend Betsy to be my Maid of Honor (see above), but everyone knows my best friend is Steph (size 6). Of course I’ll probably choose Tara (size 2) to be my Maid of Honor. I’m going to have to figure out how to get Tara to make some repeat visits to the Olive Garden. I have a feeling we’re gonna run into Betsy there.
After the dress, this is the most important thing to spend your money on, ladies. Use your ears, but my friends tell me that it really helps if the lead singer is black, because they can sing practically anything.
Met the bassist and manager of the band “Wheel in the Sky”, a Journey cover band. He actually looks a little like Steve Perry. If you blur your eyes. And forget he’s Asian.
The price was right, but they might have a Bar Mitzvah on my date. I’m gonna talk to Nick… It might be worth changing the date. Note: Check to see if real Journey is available. Just a thought…
They’ll tell you it’s just a wedding and no one will remember the food. I call Bull. This is your day. You’ll remember the food. Don’t scrimp. Maybe lobster is out of your price range. That’s when you ask for Langostino lobster. It’s really a member of the crab family, but they call it a lobster. Seriously, who’s gonna know the diff?
My favorite restaurant in Overland Park is Le Champignon de Campanille. It’s French-Italian fusion (with a sushi bar in the back… so good!) The chef is from Lisbon. Anyway, we sat down with the wedding planner. Nick told her the budget. It looks like we’ll be going with the catering company “Celebrations, Unlimited”. They make a grilled chicken breast with a slice of imported provolone. Yummy! It’s a wedding. It’s not about the food.
If you’re like me, you’ve never taken a picture in your life that doesn’t make you look like a moustachio’d Bea Arthur after she’d been dragged for a mile behind a truck. So finding a good photographer is primo importanto. CALL FOR REFERENCES, GIRLS!
Met with a photographer who came highly recommended. He told us for an extra fee, he’d come back to the hotel with us and take some “boudoir photos”. It’s not a bad deal.
The Guest List
More weddings are cancelled when the bride-to-be and her fiancée sit down to hash out the guest list and table arrangements. It’s like war and should be treated as such. Do not give in. Remember, your father is paying for this thing, so…
Nick thinks this is going to be a 50/50 split. He’s sadly mistaken, unless he’s going to be wearing a $10,000 gown.
This is one of those areas that gets far more attention than it deserves. Let’s be honest here, ladies. You’re gonna spend the majority of your time looking closely at the acoustic ceiling or your bed board. Grrrr.
Nick wants to go to Aruba. Isn’t that where American girls go to disappear? Things that make you go hmmm…
The Groom’s Clothing
Ladies, one sure-fire way of ruining your wedding is to let your man pick out his own clothes. Or his own groomsmen for that matter. Come to think of it, why is he involved in this at all. Am I right?
Here are some quick “Tux-Tips” (I just came up with that. “Tux-Tips” TRADMARKED).
Most people wouldn’t know this from looking at him, but my fiancée Nick has a very strange body. His torso is too long and the lower half of his legs are slightly disproportionate to the top of his legs. He also does a weird thing with his feet. But that’s just a choice.
It’s amazing what a good suit can do. When he tried on some Hugo Boss evening wear, I fell in love all over again. I love you, Nick.